Monday, January 30, 2012

Yeah - totally missed the mark on that one.

So, I have joined my office's "100 Days of Wellness" team.  We are supposed to compete with other teams by logging our daily activity minutes.  We really do this in hopes of winning fantastic prizes, and perhaps maybe, we'll develop a habit of exercising.  I decided that I would do a combination of walking and yoga/stretching because a) I sure as shit am not running unless there is a slobbering, foaming, and clearly rabid dog chasing after me, and b) I thought the yoga/stretching would also give me the opportunity to clear out the noise in my head for a bit.  Maybe if I could clear out some of the debris, I would have more room for creative images and ideas.  HA!  Yeah, it absolutely doesn't happen that way for me.  In terms of calm and quiet yoga, that is.  I can walk just fine, thank you very much.

Let me paint you a picture of how 15 minutes of yoga goes for me...

Me: "DOGS!!  Go on!  Seriously, just because I am sitting on the floor does not mean I am issuing and open invitation to lick my face!  GET. AWAY!

Dogs: (sad faces all around)

Daughter: "MOM! Can I have some cereal?"  (Doesn't matter what time of day - this is a legitimate question.)

Me: "Seriously? I am trying to do yoga, hence the pants.  Can you wait 15 minutes?  Or better yet, go ask your Dad!"

Me, again:  "For the love of Pete, will someone please put the dogs outside?  For like, 15 minutes? Thank you!"

Daughter: "MOM! Will you play walkie-talkies with me?"

Me: (no words now, just 'the look'.)

Daughter: "Sheesh.  Okay.  Fine"

Me: (finally in a yoga ready position - commencing brain emptying sequence - deep breath....aahhhhh)

Inner Voice:  "You look like an idiot."

Me:  "Can it.  I am shooting for clarity, relaxation, building my flexibility, etc.  It's not about how the yoga pants look on my ass, it's about the yoga."

Inner Voice:  "Riiiigghht.  Also, I am not talking about the pants.  You look like an idiot."

Me: "Zip it, Inner Voice.  Okay.  Breath in... out... in... Sweeeet Caroliiiine (Bah, Bah, Bah) good times never seemed so good....DAMMIT!  Focus..."

Husband:  "Hey!  Have you seen the dogs?  (confused look)  What are you doing on the floor?"

Me:  "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!  I just wanted to do 15 minutes of calming yoga.  Never mind.  The dogs are outside and our daughter would like some cereal."

Husband: "Hey, I like those pants..."

Me: (face palm)


Note to self:  Start doing yoga alone, behind closed doors, while every breathing occupant of my house is sleeping.  Also, yoga may not be conducive to creativity.  At least not yet...

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